I am merely the product
Of the life that I've lived
An amalgam of sorrows
And the wisdom they give
But the weight has grown heavy
And it's dragging me down
It's so hard not to sink now
But I don't want to drown

I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
This far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home
I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
For now
But I don't think I can face this on my own

There is beauty in hardship
There are poems in grief
There are trials we must go through
Though they may shake our beliefs

But I don't know how I got here
Lost in the cynical dusk
Set adrift in the worry
That I've no one to trust

If to suffer is holy
I'll take my share of the pain
I can swim through this sadness
If there's something to gain

I can reach for the surface
And try to pull myself free
But the last thing I want is
To drag you down here with me

I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
This far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home
I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
For now
But I don't think I can face this on my own...

--Assemblage 23, "Damaged"

City girls just seem to find out early
How to open doors with just a smile
A rich old man
And she won't have to worry
She'll dress up all in lace and go in style

Late at night a big old house gets lonely
I guess every form of refuge has its price
And it breaks her heart to think her love is
Only given to a man with hands as cold as ice

So she tells him she must go out for the evening
To comfort an old friend who's feelin' down
But he knows where she's goin' as she's leavin'
She is headed for the cheatin' side of town

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes

On the other side of town a boy is waiting
with fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal
She drives on through the nice anticipating
'Cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel

She rushes to his arms,
They fall together
She whispers that it's only for awhile
She swears that soon she'll be comin' back forever
She pulls away and leaves him with a smile

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide you lyin' eyes

She gets up and pours herself a strong one
And stares out at the stars up in the sky
Another night, it's gonna be a long one
She draws the shade and hangs her head to cry

She wonders how it ever got this crazy
She thinks about a boy she knew in school
Did she get tired or did she just get lazy?
She's so far gone she feels just like a fool

My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things
You set it up so well, so carefully
Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things
You're still the same old girl you used to be

You can't hide your lyin eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
Honey, you can't hide your lyin' eyes...

--The Eagles, "Lyin' Eyes"

October 26th at Cafe Lura.
Prizes and giveaways and other awesome stuff.
Show starts at 9pm; $7 cover at the door, 21+.
Come check us out and pick up a copy of our first album!

I don't have too much time before I have to start getting ready for work, but here goes.

Word is spreading out about FRAGMENTATION. We've got promoters telling us they wish we could have played at their last gigs because it would have been ten times better with us there. Another concert may be coming up around the middle of October, at which point we plan on having enough songs for a full CD.

In other news, I've started my own separate side musical project, The Walls Collapse. I discovered I do in fact have the ability to write lyrics, so I decided to try my hand at doing my own thing. I'm not leaving FRAGMENTATION or making it less of a priority--just trying something new at the same time. I don't know if it will ever really "go public" per se, but it's a fun possibility to think about.

This is all I have time for at the moment. Later.

I am so tired.

5 days now til the show. Things still aren't fully ironed out; now that we've managed to resurrect our first song, Retribution, for live performances, Chris is now not sure if he still wants to do it. How frustrating. We get a good 45 minute set going and Chris wants to throw a wrench in the plans. It got to the point where I offered to rewrite Retribution in Reason 3, just so we could still perform it. I really don't want to lose out on doing all 8 of our songs this Saturday, although I think Hell will freeze over before I'm able to completely craft that song in under a week with everything else I've got going on. Blarg.

Things with Amber are going okay, and yet at the same time they feel sort of empty. I'm not sure I can explain it, but when the last of my strength evaporated into just so much dry air a little over a week ago, things haven't been the same since. Though, with all the problems she and I have had to face, I'm astounded there's been any sense of normalcy in the relationship to begin with. Then again, maybe there hasn't really been any.

Today I got the name of a contact in the Learning & Development team at CDW that I can get in touch with regarding a possible career path on that team, or possibly as a trainer. Succumbing to the corporate career is not exactly what I had planned on doing with my life, but I do enjoy that sort of thing, and if it does become a career, hey... I can change it whenever I want to. Besides, if I have anything to say about it, the music career is going to be the way to go. I'll do what I can/what I have to to try and make that a reality. Now that we're close to having a full CD out, the offers of exposure are starting to come in. I've never heard of any band making such a splash when so totally new.

Before the show on Saturday, I have to:

1) Try and finish Retribution 2.0
2) Fix volume levels in Elemental Order.
3) Wash my outfit for Saturday and let air dry.
4) Practice some more. I've got all songs memorized, now I just need to up my confidence with them.

Anyways, it's 1:35am and I need to be at work in 6 1/2 hours. It's time for bed. Goodnight.

Here comes the shave
That splits my head in two
One Sensor Excel
To slash and shred you
It's on the edge
A hanging flap of skin
To see it hang on
Too horrid to see

It lacerates
It leaves my face
A bloody mess
What a gripe
Exacerbates
The flow of blood
Unsafe for all
What a gripe
Decapitates
Heads roll off
Into the sink
Without life
It desecrates
The deepest layer
Will be exposed
What a gripe

Feel the pulse
Blood gushes from your face
To stay alive
Wrap gauze around your head
The blades force your skin
To come out in hanks
If you look in the mirror
You’ll see your own skull

It lacerates
It fills the sink
With bloody gore
What a gripe
Exacerbates
The flare of pain
Blinding at once
What a gripe
Decapitates
Heads roll off
Onto the floor
Without life
It desecrates
The tender skin
And turns it red
What a gripe...

--Brian Budke, parody of "Accelerate" by Colony 5, circa June 2004. I think it was in response to this conversation.

Last night I dreamt I was part of the show Prison Break. It was kind of a really interesting dream, and it took a slightly different path from the show, or at least from what I've seen of the show so far.

Speaking of which, Prison Break is an awesome show. I got Frank and Krystal into it, and after this concert is finished, maybe we can watch some more episodes. I'm really looking forward to relaxation.



For all my life I followed ideals
I could not reach them but I tried
And at the end of my existence
Will I say I did it right?

If you have faith
If you're believing
That true love will never die
Then just go on, make your decisions
I am sure you're doing fine
I count on you...

I count on you
Don't let me down
When things may look so bad
Come rescue me
I start to drown
I'd be safer in your hands

And all these words, they made me wonder
It's the turning of the tide
I am here to make a promise
I will stand the test of time

I have no doubt that you are the right one
I have no doubt we can survive
So just go on, make your decisions
I am sure you're doing fine
I count on you...

I count on you
Don't let me down
When things may look so bad
Come rescue me
I start to drown
I'd be safer in your hands

And when there's a time
When everything seems to fall apart
It won't bring us down
'Cause we can rely
On each other
That's something I know by now

I count on you
Don't let me down
When things may look so bad
Come rescue me
I start to drown
I'd be safer in your hands...

--Endanger, "I Count On You"

We had our rehearsal for the concert today. Cobalt Core's set sounds pretty cool and refined; ours needs some work but I was pleased to find myself going through all 8 of our songs with only one or two uncertain parts. A week of tweaking my memory on these and I'll have them down perfectly. Chris also liked the modification I made to Deliverance; it originated as a slow, melodic song, which was really nice, but not much like the image we want to stick with. So I beefed up the drum line some and it made a world of difference.

After rehearsal, we went around the city for a bit to distribute the meager number of flyers we had, and checked out the venue. Everyone that works there is pretty nice, so we shouldn't have any problems. The Horseshoe itself is interesting looking too and I think it'll work out well. If you can come, please try and do so!! We want to pack the place.

I'm passing out, so I guess I'll write more tomorrow. I really would like to fall back in the habit of updating this regularly.

I just went through 2005 and 2006 in my Livejournal. Ostensibly it was to find Budke's parody of "Accelerate" by Colony 5 from when I cut my face all up, but I just had a fight with Amber and wanted to go back and see how life used to be for me. You know, put it into some perspective.

It's a little odd how much I used to write before I started to live with Kelly, and how little I wrote afterwards. I guess that's one of the signs I should have gotten there.

I read a lot of the things I wrote about experiences with Kelly, too. Kelly had tremendous obstacles to overcome to be happy here, and knowing now what I didn't know then, a lot of the problems she and I experienced really were my fault. I'm not at all saying that she didn't have some big, big issues, but I never managed to see the things I did that contributed to the eventual downfall of our relationship. I have a massive chip on my shoulder, causing me to get defensive at the smallest things. I am bitter at the world. I have serious problems truly expressing myself, and I'm not sure where in my past all of these issues stem from... whether it was my history with Nicole (the one from South Africa), or Sandie's incessant lies, Shelby's secret meeting with a new guy, Lisa's disastrous mental problems, Tami's cheating and lying, getting beaten up every week in sixth grade...

Perhaps all of the above. We are, after all, the product of our experiences, the sum of a whole.

Amber has taught me a lot about myself, about real commitment, and how to treat someone in a relationship. Odd, that someone 2000 miles away could do that for me. Once upon a time I promised myself I would never be in a long-distance relationship again. Amber changed all that after only four months of being apart from Kelly. I didn't think I'd even be interested in a relationship that soon, let alone one where I can't see the other person on a regular basis. Even now, all I have are some snapshots, split-second slices of her life to know her by, and a voice on a telephone.

As for Kelly, who knows? She's become my past, and my past is what it is--no sense in trying to change it or lament it. That doesn't stop me, though, from wondering what it would have been like... if maybe I could have done a little more, changed something, opened my eyes a little wider, and discovered the possibilities of real happiness with her. However, all I can do is learn for the future at this point.

So what does all of this teach me? Two years of pain, of headache, of struggling to persevere with Kelly, only to suffer the eventual demise of what we had? I'm not sure yet. Life certainly has been a roller coaster ride for some time now--and I know I've used that phrase before, but I think by far that for the last 3 years for me, it has never been truer.

Three years ago today, where was I? Living with Brian Lowry and Tina in Palatine. God, I miss that apartment. Driving an '02 Corolla. Dating Shelby from Reno, NV, and going through a bit of turmoil with her. Actively having a social life with very good friends that didn't only involve people that I already spent 8 hours a day with. My brother was just about to get married; I was the best man. Working at WHI, unaware that just 6 months later I'd be out of a job. Discovering the goth scene. Spending the last two months of my dogs' lives knowing I'd lose them soon, but not having any idea how soon. Enjoying an existence that was free of the crushing weight of the world.

Where am I now? Tomorrow, I will be one month from turning 27. I drive an '02 Honda Civic since the Corolla was totaled on the highway. Sitting on the same bed I had for years when I lived with my parents, listening to the pounding bass of one of our asshole neighbors who can't respect other people; I live in Mundelein with Frank and Krystal. I've moved slightly up and laterally in my position at CDW. I have a blossoming potential career doing something I always thought would be kind of cool to do, writing and performing music; one week away from our 4th and largest concert yet. I have a girlfriend, albeit one I've never seen or held or touched. I'm making substantially more money than I ever have before. I have more possessions now; enough furniture to fill a good-sized apartment, two TVs, two desks, a laptop, et cetera.

It seems like I should be happier now than I was. But my future is dark and uncertain. I've never been good at predicting my own path in life, but now even five feet ahead of me is cloudy. My life has been a raging waterfall of turmoil, a chain reaction of one problem after another after another. I no longer know what it's like to genuinely be happy.

I need to reevaluate my life and where I'm going with it and how I'm going to get there. I just wish I knew how to do that.

We both collaborated on this article, though the entirety is attributed to Chris. Check it out.

http://www.gearwire.com/fragmentation-maudiosennheiser.html